Every time I start reading a book is wrapped under the same fear, an uneasiness that comes to imagine that I will be unable to follow the argument that I offer their pages. I do not get to identify those characters that I lose in the plots of each of them, I'll drown in the black river of words printed. Possible incompetence that scares me and insulted me, not smart enough to open the key to the universe created by the author.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Parabolic Pringles Solar
Every time I start reading a book is wrapped under the same fear, an uneasiness that comes to imagine that I will be unable to follow the argument that I offer their pages. I do not get to identify those characters that I lose in the plots of each of them, I'll drown in the black river of words printed. Possible incompetence that scares me and insulted me, not smart enough to open the key to the universe created by the author.
The first page read as an immigrant crossing the border, slow, insecure, trying to cover everything from the beginning, not cracks, without gaps. A stupid act, but inevitable because of my character. I am aware that I am at a beginning, at the entrance to an unknown place and that it will be the reading that I find the story. I can not help it happen. According term commences the pages I'm adapting to the style of the writer as the eyes of the miner in the light of day. I begin to get familiar with the characters, to know them, admire them, hate them, love them, to discover their stories. If you live inside a book appeals to me, the text becomes part of my daily life, my family, my life. The heart of the story starts to beat as an entity itself When I approached him after hours of careful neglect watch its cover and experience the pleasure of seductive undress before your partner delights in thinking of what will happen when nothing covering her body.
Today, I am one in a small group of unemployed who are to undergo a job interview. Twenty-four months have passed since the last time I cashed a payroll, they got up early on Monday to perform paid work, I got a coffee with colleagues, I was productive. Hundred-odd days I've been sick. I am suffering from a disease that over the past two years has become an epidemic that is destroying the self esteem of millions of men and women, extending their symptoms not only the person suffering the disease directly, but also their families. A disgusting! Reading is one of the few activities that I would become just effective palliative to this nightmare, quickening my mood, holding a lead in this fall.
While other candidate comes out the last interview, I begin to read the last story in the book of stories with me.
The man put out his cigarette in the trash at the entrance to the subway and started down the stairs holding in their lungs the smoke of the last puff. A toxic way to start the week. Out of respect to all other travelers, before entering the car took to the mouth a mint candy taste so intense that his eyes briefly and shook his throat swallowing angry. Squeezed with the other passengers and lifted his gaze toward the ceiling, trying to stay away and distant from their immediate environment. The seasons passed and the crowding has no evidence to disappear. In one of the stops neglected his attention to nothing to observe the input and output flow of passengers. He swallowed the candy when they saw one of them. A set of reactions told the pair: tachycardia, dizziness, seizures, sudden fatigue, cold sweat, dilated pupils and a need to disappear from this planet that did not happen. After four years, which had been the most important woman in his life, the person who joined their existence for eight years and which spread with the intensity of a shock wave, appeared again. The man took shelter among the other bodies not to be seen and even fought to divert attention from it. The power of curiosity and proximity induced to turn his neck toward the target in a dull and childish. The woman stood in profile to the field of view of its observer, people covered by anonymous, leaving only his head exposed. As he raised his eyes to ignore this group. The spy threw the cane to fish the best memory of that story of love and dry. The river of memory captured Friday afternoon in which she persuaded him to go to the airport to board the first plane off the ground. Four hours later were found in the frozen capital of an unknown country to enjoy the dream they had created,
Leaving his reverie the woman had disappeared as he fled his life years earlier. He was lucky to find an empty seat where he collapsed. The pain in his chest, next to the mess of guts, he fell during the day. The appearance of this ghost so pervasive as temporary but gave him a distressing state of anxiety ever experienced. Dusted questions and new issues bubbling in his head spreading responses encountered. Background, present and distant face kissed, caressed and loved years ago. A strange face in time while familial experiences accumulated. After a few hours of that fateful encounter again and again recalled the morning she awoke to live the sudden absence of it. The empty closet, the drawers open, torn photos scattered like seeds sterile soil and the note in the toilet where a farewell was the only blemish on the pristine white paper.
a couple of years ago would have stopped reading a while to identify the emotions of that character, approaching her experience, imagining what the author did not write, had recreated the situation of the story, accompanying the star along the sentences, making a parallel to find similar situations in my life. Now the first thing that struck me was the waste of money that can make such a trip. I am in a large waiting room among strangers with a common goal. Remain silent, looking at each other. I remember some of the faces of the two previous interviews. They are the faces and bodies that are most attracted my attention. Every ten minutes out of an office a woman in her forties accompanied by the newly interviewed, which gives the hand to shake with little eye contact. In a soft voice the woman next to pronounce the name of the candidate and together enclose pass the ultimate test. Selection tests took many, many questions, answers, smiles, kind words, psychological tests in which always appears the same question, "if in a race ahead of the second post is what Us ".
But what hurts me and keeps me awake is that I too negative. I have no money to take a drink after the interview. When I finish I go straight home. I cross my portal apathetic and guilty. When it takes so long stood the house is a prison. A place you want to escape because it is different from two years ago. The refrigerator holds unintelligible cheap food from the supermarket brand cheapest market in the area. The rooms are cold because heating is a luxury and only turn it on before dinner and only to the children's room and bathroom. I know there people who are worse, much worse, but that's not a consolation, is a bitch. My wife has learned to make soap with the oil left over, which is not oil. We are poor in a lower middle class neighborhood. With what was spent on his journey the protagonists of the story I'm reading, we survived four months at least.
need to get back to reading to get away from my life, this body sitting on a sofa in office. I need to hide the nerves begin to appear because I have a hunch. There is a small sign that tells me everything will be alright and this time I will get an affirmative answer to both crave, the antidote that will disappear in an instant the poison that is eating me. This feeling optimistic first appearance since suffering a layoff caused by global crisis say I do not understand why it occurred. The media, politicians and economists are trying to make intelligible the reasons, as a former doctor's prescription. I feel like a thousand year Catholic bishop listening to the only existing truth. Now listen to financial experts with the same ignorance that our ancestors took care of that sermon from a pulpit. Will they have to spend thousand years to discover that they also are selling us smoke? I look one of the women waiting with me, younger than I, with the satisfied air in me is gone. I have no strength to act, to create me a character bold and solid. My esteem is paired with the solvency of my checking account. You may be required to put in the candidate lists. I know what the hell! I open the book again.
Although the job that day was excessive and the flow of customers was constant, the man was unable to do away with the experience of the morning. The past was transformed into a disturbing and turbulent present. An unexpected and unwanted visit him constantly confused. While lip to convince buyers to acquire the product he wanted to endorse and thus fulfill the objectives of their working day, that vendor was far from its mission. Time went old-looking, without force. At lunch decided to move away to find solitude. There was a time when watching the front door of the place where he worked, hoping that she appeared, to be addressed to him, he repented of his escape and return back to the home and happiness, at least for him, had left. In a deserted bar ordered a drink and a snack. The day the woman disappeared chronic affective suffered an amputation, a prolonged vacuum in the time it did not want to re-fill. Constantly asked why and fumbled, fumbled to understand that action that did much damage. Were a happy couple or just enjoying the fruits of this co-existence? Ask not find the answer to the other party for a long time plunged in a state of desolation populated by questions. When they met two people were fleeing the whole excess of relationships, friendships number. Without being a hermits, a group of friends did not exceed half a dozen. The link that was created behind closed doors. What many would have represented an oppressive living for them was the spell of a desert island in the sun, beach and paradise fruit had no purpose. Got to be ardent lovers, far from routine, from prejudice. Two creators of sex as one and the other bars. Two workers of talks with silence, meditation a chorus of whispers caress adorned with hair, short and medium distances. They created a world of themselves. They stopped the time for the routine did not have a check in time. Decided not to father not to become a riot, not shared with strangers ... Everything is torn apart by a date no date, at a time without time, in the light of day, which turned out to be the last.
That evening after work and walked along Sunset Street that housed his memory. City more known thanks to her and for leaving the transit four years ago. No watching the windows, or fixed on the walls, or even paid attention to the people who crossed. Its interior look completely absorbed him. Stopped at a bar, any one, single, nearly empty. Upon entering the waiter and he greeted, before replying, did a quick scan of their memories. When recalled the face of that distant client gave him a smile to show that not only identified, but that was reminiscent grata. The man sat at the bar, ordered a beer and two hours following the waiter heard the curious story of that couple broke up years ago and they were such good customers. The man came to her bed with tears drunk to evacuate the fluid is not lost for the cup.
Menudo sad story. The truth, I'm not the best moment to read miseries fictitious. In this rail I told her what being fucked. Would find out what is a tough time. At least have the money to get drunk. My kids drink a milk so cheap that I doubt that the final product has only involved a cow. Will women, if there were as many jobs as a single I would not be sitting here. I know my thinking is childish, which I am now dominated by a tantrum. At the end of the day is a story that gets to me. If not why would I start it?
The truth, which is vulnerable existence. How many ways you can attack our happiness to crumble. In many situations, we may or may harm us. I do not know where I read that happiness was not the end, that was just the road. What a beautiful phrase and what I would want to apply, but today is a pending task.
seems that human resources are getting tired, the latter has shipped in a blink of an eye. Bad sign for the patient. If the woman begins to ventilate this way the interviewer, means that either already chosen, or are fed up with seeing faces that simulate what they feel. I was not the only one to notice. The girl has frowned potential sign of distrust. We were only three with just entering.
I would not be the last. A year and a half (said quickly) content to leave me satisfied with the test hopefully bringing me home. In Finally, live two or three days anxious, but excited. Now I need a "Join in a week", or rather morning. What more accurate word "merge." That is, get up, recover, revive. Oh dear! Just rid of another candidate. The coach looks at me but delivers a woman's name. The girl has just lost his control and shows off her nerves like a showcase. Back to the history of this unfortunate.
headache caused by the hangover was unbearable to sound the alarm. First of all went to the kitchen to find some remedy in a small box with medication. Already in the bathroom accompanied the little pill with cold water shower. For two minutes he endured the unpleasant sensation. Watching his face shaved, accurate reflection of their pain. That morning, before entering the subway, did not extinguish the cigarette in the trash because a single puff would have been sick soul. His thoughts were trying to be practical everyday. Accept the invitation of his co-workers to go on Saturday to the small town of one of them brand new barbecue in the garden was installed. He knew he would miss his assent, yet also recognized that it would well received at that meeting. Although his character was a loner, was far from being asocial. Meant in part to the esteem of his colleagues was that he never refused to a shift change or for any work. Without being funny, it was a friendly company that knew how to listen. Occasionally a grace made him wise and witty score points in the environment. For their part, felt like an artificial group with individuals eligible people based on a routine condescending got among them a degree of bias similar to friendship. Of all highlighted a fellow of his age with whom he had established a probable relationship in which just measures prevented, while not ruling out a close approach between the two. None was a step forward, not so much by the fear of rejection to begin a courtship with all its implications. However, let not your link to become a flat model fraternization. One might say they expected a favorable wind, a right time. Breathed the same tug of war but still find it stifling, accepting its link easily. Now think of your partner will be comforted and encouraged knowing that the invite to breakfast.
This time, when he saw her enter the carriage, did not suffer the torment of the previous day, or not reflected with the same symptoms. That was a fleeting appearance by repetition became a figure tortuous and concrete. The man bowed his head, resigned breath and sat up to face that moment of his life. She undaunted, looked nothing that gave him the roof. With limping step, partly because of the tumult of travelers and in part by the desperate situation, he made his way toward her. Having covered half of his particular Way of the Cross heard the unwelcome voice of a fellow who greeted him. The man then derailed and his confusion was exteriorized movements and awkward jerks who hurt a small group of travelers. Finally he turned his back to the woman. Shelter greeted his colleague. The two started a conventional talk without interest. The man, in the interests of the reservation, decided to lose the opportunity to relive that episode with his past. One witness uncomfortable at that time had added more conflict to the situation of distress and doubt. The seasons passed and the vain conversation mingled with the people who came and went. The man did not dare to change positions to not be recognized, showing his back anonymously. I listened with feigned attention and tried to speak as little as possible and at a volume too low. Out in the street deep breath and continued in silence the short journey to work without hearing the stories of others.
invited his companion to have breakfast. His behavior has not gone unnoticed in the eyes of colleagues. Asked without seeming too interested on why his behavior. To avoid arousing suspicion, he confirmed that on Saturday he would go to the barbecue. For women this press hid any possible suspicion of unrest. The rest of breakfast was spent in plans for the weekend. She went back into work with a grin and he feigns a joy.
On the way home was twirling her morning reaction. He regretted not having faced what was perhaps his beloved because we never had another chance in life. But that was someone known as a spectator of a moment so intimate and so uncertain would have been very uncomfortable. While on the other hand, the vision of real woman was nothing more than a ghost of the past. Today his partner had been particularly attentive to him after learning that would match on Saturday. That feeling belonged to this and it could be a seed for the future.
The next day, after another sleepless night, was about to pass the subway going up forever. I thought a few minutes earlier or later you can change your life, that some cars in front or behind wagons decide the fate. Took a decision and came knowing he would find her again. For the third time the woman was placed in the same place as if it were part of the repetition of a sequence of film. Only this time, the man walked steadily towards him.
opens the door for the umpteenth time. The face of the candidate is not hope, rather reflects the loss an opportunity. The interviewer was staring at me and sighs disgusting impudence. She's tired, poor thing, what a shame, what a shame ... I shit in your whore mother! Reluctantly entered with a weariness that better than this perica dissimulation.
The type of interview I have done a format and rules that I know the Internet. On the page where I read called "mixed interview or semi-structured." Come on, which is linked to a series of defined questions, on the one hand, and on the other, requested of me lead. I band with the greatest possible credibility. My answers are concrete and when I took the wheel roll up a lot. The I'm doing pretty well, all my anger I'm molding so that print out door security. The truth is that I'm convincing myself. I did the job. Now come a couple of embarrassing issues, air and lame answer that she wants to hear. My arguments are praiseworthy, interesting to hear. I know the company and talk about it. She writes in a sheet, possibly scribbles "I know?
A strange suspicion is me pissed. There's something about the attitude of this aunt who starts to dislike. I'm doing my best test and a half and not taking me seriously. Moreover, it is amusing to me. I am the last, has now chosen and now in a position to relax and you want to play. Fucking brat, I'm realizing. I continue waiting for a final vain start to deflate and in a moment of carelessness on your part will hold the sheet in which it is pointing. He has drawn a caricature and the foot has written "This fat fuck can you tell me what I want." I feel a pain so intense that I cringe, I think of my children and I no longer think of anything else. I sit, I close my right fist and for a moment we both know that at any moment could explode in your face. The tears flow from my eyes being inside all my rage. She has remained static in horror. Support my two hands on the table and I leaned my prey. Taste his fear, beginning to speak forcefully on my dignity, I praise myself, my professionalism, I tell you what I can do as a worker, what I'm worth. Inside I'm shattered, I hurt my life, I think shit out of luck. But this bitch will not know the truth, my truth. My speech is on one side and my heart for the opposite. The mucus that begin to sprout from my nose I make disappear into the sleeve of my jacket. My eloquence is serious and ennobles me. Not address a single insult. I'm talking about me, do not tell my disastrous situation because I feel sorry. When I have nothing to say I turn around and leave, slamming the door.
me in the street collapsed on a bench and begin to mourn as a child. I have to hide No, I'm a decrepit and as such I behave. When I'm empty I turn the subway home. I open the door and see my thick body in the mirror while listening to the cries of my wife. Crying, crying, crying. All I want is to finish the story I'm reading. I avoid my wife who whines in the room as I left before I go. In this house of hope is a strange feeling. Enters the room and hugs me. I realize that your tears are of joy. He tells me that tomorrow I start working, I have been chosen. I phone the company because I know it's a joke in bad taste and the next thing I can do is kill. I can not talk with the interviewer which relieves me a lot, I confirm that I start work tomorrow.
I'm on the subway on my way to new employment. I have them all but I will not distrust me. I'll finish reading the story to avoid having to think. Just before the car enters the woman who interviewed me yesterday. We looked at and determined to be about me. I ask forgiveness. A brief and uncomfortable silence. She confidentially begin to describe those that will be my office, the salary schedule. The truth is that conditions cojonudas. I confess that none of the company knows of our argument and I promise that if ever anyone other than either is to learn something, the next day I would be in the street. The time to increase it is violent and pushed me on her body. I turn to see who has been more if not face the interviewer that rebuke the stranger. I see a broken man that goes to a woman. This when he sees pale. The guy asks why he left. She at first did not answer and looks at the man's face gently, as if he did not see him years and the reunion will take you back to happier times. The woman replied that in his life never been so happy and that for fear that the relationship had deteriorated it was time, he preferred to throw himself into space from the top, do not go down little by little, she knew by experience that nothing is eternal and had not been able to bear the pain of being unhappy in the same paradise they had created, which has never again feel as full as a woman in those years and to rescue those moments in her thoughts helped her to continue. He replied that he was a coward and a selfish, to him, the result of his poetic flight, which had plunged for a long time in a pain that had achieved only very recently started dating, she was a wretch, and finally was able to taste and tell and make a much-needed catharsis for their welfare. The guy without being cut, I want a fucking life without a goodbye and turns. Push me again and goes to the other end of the car.
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